Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
