A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
