I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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