I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
