Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
