I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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