I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
