I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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