I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
