I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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