I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
