we should wear snuggies to the strip club
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
