the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
