hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize