I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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