I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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