the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
