True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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