This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
