someone threw a dead crab at me
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
