Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
