How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
