I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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