you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Randomize
