my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
