my vag is so smooth its legendary
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
