now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
