the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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