Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
