There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
