he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
