I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
