She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
