I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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