Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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