True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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