Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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