I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
