I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
