I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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