is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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