I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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