My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
