She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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