He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
