At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
