saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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