then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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