after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
