I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
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