my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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