It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
