i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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