His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Floor bacon is actually really good
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
