I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
