as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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