You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
