i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
