I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize